(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
GORDON: Stupid, useless waste of time.
DENTIST: Have a seat. I'll be right with you.
I don't mind saying, I really hate these checkups.
If it weren't part of the police physical, I wouldn't be here at all.
DENTIST: Oh, come now, Commissioner.
What in the miserable world is more beautiful
than a nice, big smile?
(LAUGHS MAN IACALLY)
(GRUNTS)
Naughty, naughty. Jump around like that, and doctor won't give you a lollipop.
You little-
(GORDON SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
JOKER: Mmm-hmm.
My, my. Tsk, tsk, tsk. This doesn't look good at all.
I'm afraid
everything will have to go!
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
(GASPS)
It was an easy hint, Joker. Sloppy, predictable.
- You're losing your edge. - Excuse me, but the teeth were my idea.
So is this.
(BATMAN COUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
That's a real gasser, huh, Mr. J?
(GASPS)
I give the punch lines around here. Got it?
Yes, sir.
(BATMAN COUGHS)
Well, Batsy, it's been a hoot, as always.
But I really must run.
May the floss be with you.
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
I really hate these checkups.
(HARLEY HUMMING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Go away. I'm busy.
Aw, come on, Pudding. Don't you wanna rev up your Harley?
Vroom, vroom.
(SHRIEKS)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, sweetie. I got the whoopee cushion.
(SIGHS)
Batman was right. That setup today was corny. Old hat.
It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation.
Followed by his deliciously delirious death.
Why don't you just shoot him?
Just shoot him? Know this, my sweet.
The death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece.
The triumph of my sheer comic genius
- over his ridiculous mask and gadgets. - Ow!
Phew.
Well, hold the phone.
Here's one I forgot. The Death of 100 Smiles.
I'll lure Batman to a secret lair, then bang!
Plop him into my specially-prepared piranha tank.
(CACKLES)
The last thing he'll see are all those beautiful, hungry smiles
as they rip him to...
To...
Oh, wait, wait. Now I remember why I scrapped this plan.
Piranhas can't smile. Even my own Joker toxin
couldn't get a giggle out of them.
I know how to make some smiles, Pudding.
(SHRIEKS)
(SIGHS) Face it, Harl. This stinks.
You're a certified nutso wanted in 12 states
and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown.
At what point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen?
Who's to blame? Batman, that's who.
Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun,
coming between me and my Pudding from the very beginning.
Harleen Quinzel? I'm Joan Leland.
Hi, Joan. Call me Harley. Everyone does.
JOAN: I must admit, I was surprised you wanted to intern here at Arkham.
Well, I've always had an attraction for extreme personalities.
- They're more exciting, more challenging. - And more high-profile?
You can't deny there's an element of glamour to these supercriminals.
I'll warn you right now, these are hard-core psychotics.
If you're thinking about cashing in on them...
(MAN WHISTLING)
by writing a tell-all book, think again.
(WH ISTLING CONTINUES)
They'd eat a novice like you for breakfast.
(SNIFFS)
HARLEY: Care to tell me how this got in my office?
I put it there.
I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.
If you really were going to tell, you already would have.
You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name.
Harley Quinzel.
Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.
Like the clown character Harlequin. I know. I've heard it before.
It's a name that puts a smile on my face.
It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to.
Someone who might like to hear my secrets.
HARLEY: It took me nearly three months to set up a session.
I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.
You know, my father used to beat me up pretty badly.
HARLEY: Anything except that.
JOKER: Every time I got out of line, barn!
Oh, sometimes I'd be just sitting there, doing nothing.
POW!
Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.
Uh-huh.
There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy.
He took me to the circus when I was seven.
Oh, I still remember the clowns running around, dropping their pants.
(LAUGHING)
My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut.
So the very next night,
I ran out to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles.
"Hi, Dad. Look at me."
Zoom!
I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch clean out of his pants.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
And then he broke my nose.
(GASPS)
But, hey, that's the downside of comedy.
You're always taking shots from folks who just don't get the joke.
Like my dad. Or Batman.
HARLEY: It soon became clear to me that the Joker
so often described as a raving, homicidal madman
was actually a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance.
A lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics.
And there, as always, was the self-righteous Batman.
Determined to make life miserable for my angel.
Yes, I admit it.
As unprofessional as it sounds, I had fallen in love with my patient.
- Pretty crazy, huh? - JOKER: Not at all.
As a dedicated, career-oriented young woman,
you felt the need to abstain from all amusement and fun.
It's only natural you'd be attracted to a man who could make you laugh again.
- I knew you'd understand. - Anytime.
HARLEY: Then there was that horrible week when he escaped.
The poor thing was on the run, alone and frightened.
I was so worried.
ORDERLY: They've got him.
(HARLEY GRUNTING)
(JOKER GROANING)
(SOBBING)
No!
(GLASS SQUEAKING)
Hey!
(MAN GRUNTS)
(GUARD GRUNTS)
(ORDERLIES COUGHING)
(BEEPING)
(census)
Knock-knock, Pudding. Say hello to your new, improved Harley Quinn.
(SIREN BLARING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GUARDS YELL)
(CACKLING)
HARLEY: It seemed like we would live happily ever after.
But that'll never happen as long as there's a Batman around
to torment my Pudding.
Hmm.
If this tape reaches Batman, I hope it's not too late for you to help me.
It's no joke. Mr. J's gone off his nut for real.
Because you stopped him from killing Gordon,
he said he's gonna take out the whole city.
I've seen the plans the gas bombs, everything!
I finally realize this isn't funny anymore.
I can help you get him if you promise me protection.
(HARLEY GASPS)
Open it.
- Okay? - I want Gordon to see these.
If what you say is true, the police will-
- JOKER: Traitor! - (GASPS)
JOKER: No one turns stoolie on me and lives!
(JOKER LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(GRUNTS)
HARLEY: Sweet dreams, sucker.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(SLURPING)
- BATMAN: Quinn. - Oh, you're awake finally.
BATMAN: The Joker. Where?
It's just me, B-man. No Joker, no gas bombs, no city in peril.
Just you, that tank and me.
Why?
To show Mr. J I could really pull off one of his plans.
See, he could never get these fishies to smile,
but then I had the bright idea of hanging the victim,
that's you, upside down.
That way, to you, it'll look like they're smiling.
- Clever? - Brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, I can tell you're less than thrilled.
You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps.
But there comes a time when a gal wants more.
And now all this gal wants is to settle down with her loving sweetheart.
- You and the Joker? - Right-a-roony.
(BATMAN LAUGHING)
I've never seen you laugh before. I don't think I like it.
Cut it out. You're giving me the creeps.
You little fool. The Joker doesn't love anything except himself.
Wake up, Harleen.
He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.
That's not...
No. No!
He told me things, secret things he never told anyone.
Was it his line about the abusive father? Or the one about the runaway mom?
He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.
Stop it! You're making me confused!
What was it he told that one parole officer? Oh, yes.
"There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy."
"He took me to the ice show when I was seven."
Circus. He said it was the circus.
BATMAN: He's got a million of them, Harley.
You're wrong. My Pudding does love me! He does!
You're the problem.
And now you're gonna die and make everything right.
(LAUGHS)
Except he'll never believe you did it.
Huh?
Sure he will.
How's Joker gonna know I'm really gone?
All those fish will leave are scraps of bone and cloth.
Anyone can fake that.
True, you've got my belt, but it's not the same as a body.
He'll never buy it.
(PHONE RINGING)
Boring. Lame. Not funny.
Been done. Too Riddler.
What?
- (INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PHONE) - Harley?
Oh. Where the heck have you been, huh? Ah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. Batman, eh? Well, you don't say.
You have who tied up where?
HARLEY: Well, nerts to you, Mr. Smarty-Bat.
When I told Mr. J what I was doing,
he was so thrilled he could hardly speak.
Harley!
Hi, Pudding. You're just in time to see the-
- (SLAPS) - (HARLEY GRUNTS)
Excuse me, I'll be just a minute.
But, Pudding, I don't understand.
Don't you wanna finally get rid of Batman?
Only if I do it, idiot!
But it's still your plan, see? Everything just like you said.
Except I hung the guy upside down
so he'd see their little frowns as little smiles.
Now it all works.
Except you had to explain it to me!
If you have to explain a joke, there is no joke!
(GROWLS)
HARLEY: Now, calm down, Pudding.
You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago,
one of the painful truths of comedy,
you always take shots from folks who just don't get the joke!
(HARLEY GRUNTS)
(CRASHING)
And don't call me "Pudding."
My fault. I didn't get the joke.
JOKER: I really have to apologize for the kid.
No respect for tradition. Ha!
Let's just pretend the whole thing never happened and do this some other time.
Okay?
(WHISTLING)
Then again, this is a rather rare opportunity.
Heh. You know what they say,
"A bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry."
I guess you're going out on a laugh after all.
(JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(GRUNTING)
Real funny, Batman! Aah!
(JOKER SCREAMS)
Made you look.
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
(MOCKING)
BATMAN: She almost had me, you know.
Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head.
I had no way out other than convincing her to call you.
I knew your massive ego would never allow anyone else the honor of killing me.
Though I have to admit, she came a lot closer than you ever did,
Pudding.
(GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)
Ha.
(CHUCKLING)
(JOKER SCREAMING)
Though the Joker has been notorious for resurfacing when least expected,
it seems unlikely that he has survived his latest brush with Batman.
HARLEY: Never again. No more obsession,
HO more CFGZIIHGSS,
no more Joker.
I finally see that slime for what he is,
a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...
Angel.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
English - SDH