(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Here it is, gentlemen.
Enough kaboom to turn Gotham into the world's biggest pothole.
What say we start the bidding at one million?
- One million. - Two million.
- Three million. - Five.
Gentlemen, please. Don't insult me with nickel-and-dime bids.
The man who walks out with this bomb walks out with Gotham in his pocket.
Yours to pick clean or blow sky-high.
Your call. What am I bid?
JOKER: How about nothing?
Zero, zip, zilch, nada.
My personal check for bupkis.
Drawn on the First National Bank of Squadoo.
(JOKER LAUGHS)
(GUNS COCKING)
Sorry, boys,
this lot is sold.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CHUCKLING)
(GROANS)
Whoops.
(SCREAMS)
You really should loosen up, dear.
Have a laugh now and then.
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
That's so much more pleasant.
MAYOR: Alerting the public now would only cause a panic, Commissioner.
But if that madman plans to use the bomb, we've got to clear the city.
MAYOR: Ican't evacuate 10 million people on your suspicions.
We don't even know if the bomb's still in Gotham.
Keep me posted if you find anything.
The Joker will be extra cautious this time.
We'll have to think like him.
Or recruit someone who does.
(SINGING)
(DOOR OPENS)
Ms. Quinn.
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
(GAGGING)
Don't you knock before entering a lady's boudoir?
- I need help. - Well, you've come to the right place.
I recommend a lobotomy.
The Joker's stolen a bomb.
If I can't get to him in time
this city and everyone in it is going up in a mushroom cloud.
So you want me to turn squealer on Mr. J. Ha!
Sorry, B-man, no deal.
I've talked to Gordon and Dr. Bartholomew.
You help me find the Joker, and they'll write your ticket out of here.
Whee!
If you promise no double-cross.
Ah, shoot, take all the fun out of life.
I don't have time for jokes.
Okay, okay, I promise.
Shake?
Oh, the irony of it.
The grim, stalwart Dark Knight and his greatest female adversary
fighting together to save the city.
I sense a lack of trust.
Sure you don't need any help keeping Zippy under control?
I'm fine.
Besides, I need you to be ready if Gordon's men get any leads.
- I'll signal if there's trouble. - You got it.
- HARLEY: I wanna listen to the radio. - Don't!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oops.
Listen, and listen good.
You don't touch anything, say anything
or do anything unless I tell you!
- Got it? - Yes, sir.
So far, Joker hasn't been seen at any of his old hideouts.
I want you to show me the last place he used when he escaped.
Okay.
This used to be our special love nest.
Have a look around while I slip into something more comfortable.
No tricks.
Hey, we have a deal, remember?
- (HYENAS GROWLING) - (YELPS)
(HYENAS SNARLING)
Whee!
Ah! I feel like a human being again.
Hi, babies! Mommy's home!
Are you the sweetest babies?
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
How do you like our ha-hacienda?
Charming.
Especially these monitors.
Between the cops, city hall and the mayor's office,
Joker has the whole city wired.
He's a genius.
What's the attraction, Quinn?
This sick infatuation with the Joker.
Look, Bats, when I was a doctor
I was always listening to other people's problems.
Then I met Mr. J., who listened to me for a change and made everything fun.
You think it's funny when he hurts people?
It's just a joke.
Hope you're still laughing when it's your turn.
Hmph.
BATMAN: Meet us at the Apex novelty factory.
Quinn says it's an old hideout. But the Joker may be using it again.
I'm on my way.
- Grab on. - I can do it myself, thank you.
Ha-ha! Ow!
(LAUGHS FLIRTINGLY)
(SCREAMING)
Sneak, sneak, sneak.
- Shh. - Shh.
What do you mean, "Shh"? No one's been in this dump for years.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(PANICKED CHATTER)
HARLEY: Uh-oh.
(BATMAN GROANS)
Hey, guys, look who I got.
(GROANS)
BOXY: Well, well.
If it ain't the big, bad Batman
come to break up Boxy Bennett's little social club.
It's gonna cost you, freak, big time.
Hi, Boxy. Long time no see.
Harley Quinn.
Last I heard, they tossed you in the squirrel farm and swallowed the key.
What you doing with the Bat?
(GULPS)
Come on, you don't think I was working with Batman?
I know you'd blow us both away if you thought that.
You thought right, sugar.
Phew.
So, you ain't seen Mr. J. Around, have you?
Nope.
You know, I never could figure what a cute little number like yourself
saw in a slob like the Joker.
Especially when there are suave guys like me around.
Now, Boxy.
Sure, my pudding's a little temperamental.
But, gee, what relationship doesn't have its ups and downs?
(ALL GASP m CONFUSION)
Ha!
A flat.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) I never knew That our romance had ended.
Until you poisoned my food.
And I thought it was a lark.
When you kicked me in the park.
But now I think it was rude.
I never knew that you and I were finished.
Until that bottle hit my head.
Though I tried to be aloof.
When you pushed me off the roof.
I feel our romance is dead.
It wouldn't have been so bad If you had told me.
That someone had taken my place.
But no No, you didn't even scold me.
You just tried to disfigure my face.
You'll never know How this heart of mine is breaking.
It looks so hopeless, but then.
Life used to be so placid.
Won't you please put down that acid?
And say that we're sweethearts again
(ALL CHEERING)
MAN 1; Yeah. MAN 2; All right, baby!
Whoo! All right, B and R!
ROBIN: Hey, UQW-
They're all working together.
(ROBIN GRUNTS)
(GROWLS)
Let's go, Quinn!
Quinn!
HARLEY: Whee!
Bombs away!
- Huh? - (ALL YELP)
Yes!
(SHRIEKS)
Did you see the way I handled those creeps?
Pow! Barn!
Oh, Batgirl, eat your heart out.
What was she before she went bonkers?
A clinical psychiatrist.
Figures.
- Any word on the Joker? - Nothing.
I even checked with Gordon again, and the mayor still refuses
to let the cops evacuate the city.
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
Oh, it's brilliant.
Way t0 go, Mr. J_!
What are you saying?
Oh, come on, Bats.
You've seen how my pudding keeps an eye on Gotham.
What better way to tie up the cops
than to tie up the mayor?
Whoo-hoo!
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
See, do I know how Mr. J. Thinks, or what? Ha!
And here you thought I was just another bubble-headed blond bimbo.
Well, the joke's on you. I'm not even a real blond.
Good job.
Huh? Hey!
- What gives? - I can't risk you warning the Joker.
Would I do a thing like that?
Hey, let me out! Come on!
Boy, you just can't trust some people.
Nothing like a moonlight dip, eh, Mr. Mayor? (LAUGHING)
Please, just make your ransom demands and get on with it.
Oh, no ransom this time, Hammy.
- You can't mean- - Oh, yes, indeedy-do.
Instead of taking you, the cops and the Batman down separately,
I'm going to blast you all at once.
Send down the plane, boys.
We're blowing town.
Literally.
Yes, sir.
But all those innocent people.
Some joke on them, eh? Think of it as the ultimate punch line.
(JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(GROANS)
Ha!
(YELP$)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
What? Hey!
Gee, it's amazing what you find in people's glove compartments.
Harley?
Hi, pudding. Miss me?
You clever little minx.
How did you escape from Arkham?
Batman sprung me so I could find you.
Had me all locked up in his bad old car, too.
Aww.
Quinn, we had a deal!
Deal's off, B-man. No one ever said anything about hurting Mr. J.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Oh!
AUTOMATED VOICE: 10-minute countdown sequence has been engaged.
Oh, my Lord.
Come, my dear.
We'll get to a safe altitude, then watch the fireworks.
It's lucky you were here, Harley.
The countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time
to swing by Arkham and pick you up.
Quiet, brat.
You were gonna come back for me, weren't you, pudding?
Of course, pumpkin pie.
It's just that... Well, here you are,
so I can save myself a trip.
But what about all our friends?
Ivy and Two-Face and hat guy and lizard man and puppet head and-
What about them?
Don't forget your little pets.
(GASPS) The babies! We can't leave the babies!
I'll buy you a goldfish!
'Let's go! “No!
Why, you little-
(GROANS)
You know, Bats, I got a crazy idea.
Mr. J. May not be the guy for me after all.
(HARLEY SHRIEKS)
(GASPS)
Ha!
- Go around again! - But, boss...
- I said do it! - Yes, sir.
(TIMER BEEPING)
(BEEPING STOPS)
- Made it with time to spare. - (PLANE APPROACHING)
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
That bomb's going off even if I go with it!
(LAUGHING MAN IACALLY)
Laugh this off, pudding!
BOTH: Whoa!
(SCREAMS)
(couemue)
- Freeze, clown. - Quinn, stop!
He's mine, Bats.
You wouldn't dare.
You don't have the guts.
Not in a million years would you-
(BOTH GASP)
(BOTH SIGH IN RELIEF)
(LAUGHS)
Baby, you're the greatest.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)