Published Occasionally Only a Nickel

LAN-Party Population Not Well

The bent, the halt, and the rheumy-eyed attended a meeting in Wingowham Hall last night to question LAN-Party's public health authorities about the malaise affecting much of the citizenry. "We've got to get to the bottom of this," stated Billy "Kneecaps" Spillway, the high school girls basketball coach. "We lost to Bowling Spleen by forty-five points--my team couldn't even make it past mid-court on defense."

Doctors are puzzled by the lack of vitality in the general population. Their only recommendations to this point are broccoli malteds, ginseng lozenges and sleeping on beds of nails. Further study has been advised.

Lack of Schools Sparks Meeting

The "three Rs" are only "two-and-a-half Rs" in LAN-Party. Speaking at a Board of Supervisors meeting, school superintendent Dudworth Padawsky warned, "Things have been falling apart for quite some time, but we've been managing. There's a whole lot more to teach than there was twenty years ago, with those new planets being discovered and who knows what else." Superintendent Padawsky went on to say things would not get better by themselves. "Believe it or not, kids actually like school, even if they don't know it."

LAN-Party Power Not Up To Snuff

Those brown-outs and surges many residents of LAN-Party have recently reported have been traced to nothing less than LAN-Party Municipal Power itself. LAN-Party has outgrown its current capacity to satisfy power demands. "All I can do is manage limited resources," lamented Cranston LaMar of the LAN-Party Power Resources Board. "Without additional power plants, it’s just going to be more of the same. Common sense should indicate to Commissioner Iceberg that more people need more power. Hello."